The End of the Affair

At a recent inter-faith service the service concluded with the famous blessing from Aaron. (Numbers 6)

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.”

Of course, this benediction is a fitting close to any service. However, underneath this blessing, written in the order of service, a brief postscript stated the following:

This prayer expresses one person’s hope that God bestow a blessing upon another and that blessings are not given, but must be earned by seeking goodness and acting righteously.

I had to do a double take. Did I really just read that? The blessing God promises in Numbers 6 is one that must be earned?? God’s face will smile on me with a benevolent gaze, only if I act righteously?? God gives His grace given only to those who deserve it. Oh my.

Please let this not be true.

Perhaps I shouldn’t read too much into it. I’m sure the author meant well and since I know from experience people almost never read the bulletin so I’m probably the only one who even noticed it was in there.

But, if this statement is true, doesn’t this mean that if I indeed enjoy God’s blessing, I don’t even really need to thank Him for the generous bestowal of His undeserved gifts. After all, He’s giving me what I deserve. I can simply nod in recognition that He has paid me my dues. He has simply given me what my behavior merited.

Alas, this is the default mode of the human heart. It is our knee-jerk reaction. I want to save myself. I can’t handle not being righteous. I can’t stand the thought. It is too much reality for me to bear. I want to deserve it. I want to try better next time. I cling to my innocence.

Robert Farrar Capon is an Episcopal priest and the author of “Between Noon and Three.” Capon says it is “the most important piece of writing I have ever done.” In short, it is a book about the “Divine insanity that brings everything out of nothing.”

I quoted Capon in a recent sermon but it wasn’t until today I was able to read the context of the quote. I’ll let Capon have the last word. He deserves to be quoted at length:

“I said grace cannot prevail until law is dead, until moralizing is out of the game. The precise phrase should be, until our fatal love affair with the law is over-- until, finally and for good, our lifelong certainty that someone is keeping score has run out of steam and collapsed. As long as we leave, in our dramatizations of grace, one single hope of a moral reckoning, one possible recourse to salvation by bookkeeping, our freedom-dreading hearts will clutch it to themselves……

“Restore to us, Preacher, the comfort of merit and demerit. Prove for us that there is at least something we can do, that we are still, at whatever dim recess of our nature, the masters of our relationships. Tell us, Prophet, that in spite of all our nights of losing, there will yet be one redeeming card of our very own to fill the inside straight we have so long and so earnestly tried to draw to. But do not preach us grace. …..We insist on being reckoned with. Give us something, anything; but spare us the indignity of this indiscriminate acceptance.”

“Lord, let your servants depart in the peace of their proper responsibility. If it is not too much to ask, send us to bed with some few shreds of self-respect to congratulate ourselves upon. But if that is too hard, leave us at least the consolation of our self-loathing. Only do not force us free. What have we ever done but try as best we could? How have we so hurt you, even by failing, that you should now turn on us and say that none of it makes any difference, not even our sacred guilt?”