I know this has probably happened to you: You’ve just listened to a song that induced curled toes and at least a mild form of emesis. The intracranial pressure you experience is the result of having witnessed the worst musical performance of the century.
I’ve been on the receiving end of more of these performances than I’m able to admit here.
To be sure, I’ve given more than a fair share myself. Sometimes you just can’t get it right. Your singing is flat one line, sharp the next. The piano doesn’t play the right notes. The rhythm is as discombobulated as Willie Nelson trying to play Herbie Hancock. You just want to crawl in a hole and die.
Perhaps the only thing worse than listening to a performance like this, is having to speak to the aspiring performer afterwards.
What do you say?
Do you offer words of encouragement or consolation?
You don’t want to lie and tell them it was “great and amazing”, do you? They may think you mean it and endeavor to sing more frequently.
And yet, you don’t want them to leave discouraged either and never perform again.
Ok…there are some exceptions to this rule.
Since I grew up in a family of musicians, I’ve discovered some trade secrets about this. There are some things you can say in the English language that can actually serve as a response. The famous eighteenth century English poet, Alexander Pope, called this “damning with faint praise.” Pope once noted that a popular literary critic, Joseph Addison, used this as his primary method of literary criticism:
“Damn with faint praise, assent with civil leer
And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer;
Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike,
Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.”
So without further ado, here’s my list, in descending order, reserving the faintest praise for the faintest performances.
10) “This WAS the perfect song for this occasion.”
9) “Your voice is truly one of a kind. You really have a very unique sound. It’s just so YOU.”
8) “I've never heard this song sung this way before. I don’t think anyone will ever sing it the way you just did.”
7) “This performance was truly an unforgettable experience. It simply cannot be replicated. I will remember it for a LONG time.”
6) “Who would have ever thought that you could sing like THAT!!?”
5) “This……(pause for effect)….. REALLY left a mark……..This was a moment. Wow…..(with palms upward, shrug your shoulders….)…... What to say?”
4) “That song moved me in a way I've not been moved before. You touched something inside me that I did not know existed.”
3) “You showed true courage in singing today. What amazing confidence you have. STANDING there the way you did, wow,...what an achievement!”
2) “Listen to you. All that sound coming out of you? Where in the world did you learn to sing like that?”
1) To a female singer: “If you never ever sing again, at least we know this: YOU ARE THE SOUL OF ALL THE WOMEN OF THIS CHURCH!”
And I couldn’t really bare to include the following. It is a real low blow…and I must caution you to use it only in the case of truly horrific performances.
To a male singer: “YOUR MOTHER MUST BE SO PROUD!”
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